As a brief introduction, for the past three years (roughly) I have been going by the pseudonym Mannibal Adams in online circles. Although the name started as a joke, it is my preferred one now.
I am a transgender man. It has taken me quite a while to come to this conclusion, and I am happy with my gender identity, though, as will soon become clear, I am not comfortable within myself as a person. I have had significant mental health struggles, especially in the last five years. I continue to struggle with self-harm, and the compulsion to do so, something which began over ten years ago. I also struggle with forms of disordered and delusional thinking, especially paranoia. I decided to start this project because I had gone through an episode of paranoia wherein I believed people were watching me through my phone camera, and that it was covertly recording me at all times. I know now that this was completely untrue, but at the time, it felt very real and very feasible. I spent a large portion of time researching surveillance and facial recognition software, and wondered what it would take to have an 'unrecognisable face', which is what birthed the idea for this project.
What follows is a collection of notes, reviews, and information on anything surrounding faces and horror, accompanied by my own amateur illustrations. I decided to begin the project with a self-portrait, though these have never been my strongest suit: this was as truthful as I could make it.
1st Attempt
This was drawn on the day I decided to undertake the project. I then promptly became too busy to continue with it, and didn't draw or write anything for around a year. Finally, I returned to the project, but was unhappy with my previous self-portrait, so decided to draw another one.
2nd Attempt (09/06/2023)
I don't think either of the portraits look very much like me, though the second one, I feel, is a closer resemblance than the first.